If I can’t pinpoint exactly how I’m feeling, but know, at the very least, I feel “bad,” I can then move on to the next layer. It makes it hard for me to process emotions in real time.
It’s as if my brain is trying to protect itself, working in overdrive so I can still function. It makes it hard for me to identify how I really feel about things. Something happens in a TV show, and I cry as if it’s happening to me, suddenly unable to breathe by a fictional plot that is vaguely related to something personal.īut yet, as things are actually happening, it’s still hard for me to feel. One off-hand comment from a friend (combined with too many drinks), and I’m fighting self-harm urges in a public bathroom. A change in dinner plans leaves me sobbing on my bed.
Then, it comes out in bursts of emotion, triggered by seemingly “little” things. It comes out in bad thoughts, like, “ I want to kill myself,” a sentence that sometimes (although, thankfully, not recently) runs through my mind, a placeholder for whatever negative emotions I didn’t process that day. For me, this rain can manifest physically through stomachaches and back pain no amount of stretching relieves.
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